Washington, DC July 22, 2013
Byline: The Daily Thistle, Because Everyone Needs a Poke now and then.
In a never before seen show of mutual support for the working class, a group of fast food giant executives have set aside their differences in order that they might “Come to the aid of our employees and personnel in a meaningful and useful way.”
The press announcement from Idleman and Slavery, of NYC named Jack in the Box, McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Carl’s Jr., Denny’s and International House of Pancakes as co-founders of the Alliance.
The release, which comes on the heals of mounting pressure by extremist groups calling for exorbitant increases in the minimum wage for fast food workers, is designed to offer fast food chain employees direct access to a new income enhancing organ donation program.
“We felt a need to address the real cause of the problem head on”, a spokesman for the firm stated. “These people really need a new sense of purpose in life. They’re just grasping for anything, some reason to live; we think this new donation program provides a powerful solution.”
The Alliance for Shared Prosperity offers low wage earning fast food employees ‘the opportunity of a lifetime’, according to Alliance brochures. ‘A chance to make a real difference and provide for your loved ones at the same time.”
A radio advertising campaign for the new Alliance encourages low wage workers to “Explore this great opportunity to use your body to make a difference in the world!”
Industry leaders and government officials at a special unveiling of the new Alliance expressed hopes that this new breakthrough in innovative solutions would be well received and garner nationwide participation in the coming weeks as it was launched across the country.
Image Credit: Wikipedia
Alliance Diagram of Potentially harvestable human organs
“It is our hope that this new innovative approach to solving the problem of poverty will lead to improved health, compassion and understanding among all the peoples of our nation” the head of the Senate Labor Relations Board, said in a press conference earlier this week.
Idleman and Slavery representative, Pat Riot explains, “The Organ Transfer Program allows employees to donate critical organs to wealthy patients in need. Donation pledges are recorded and entered into special bidding pools where the families of patients seeking vital organs can enter confidential bids to purchase the organs.
A complex and rigorously enforced set of protocols to prevent bid tampering has been developed by the accounting firm of Price Waterhouse and will be monitored and audited by the National Bankers Association to ensure that all bids and offers are handled in an ethical and fair manner.
Perhaps the most stunning and potentially lucrative division of the new program is the “Caregivers Option for Lifetime Achievement Award” wherein a low wage worker, meeting certain criteria, may donate multiple primary single organs.
There are strict requirements for this award, including blood type, current physical health, DNA analysis and other age and health related requirements.
According to the Alliance, this specialized program allows employees in the fast food industry to voluntarily donate up to two of their singularly primary life giving organs (liver and/or heart) in exchange for a one time guaranteed payment of up to 1 million dollars, based current age and condition of the vital organ.
The program, which targets health conscious single employees, includes limited opportunities for married workers with children as well . Those employees with children must have no more than one child as well as having a primary caregiver for the child, and the written consent of the primary caregiver for participation in the program.
Eligible participants will be assigned a lottery draw number based on their “current health and fitness for the opportunity” according to Alliance brochures. After extensive interviews and background checks, eligible participants will undergo a rigorous physical examination which will determine the rated value of their potential vital organ donation.
“This is a very exciting aspect of our project” according to spokesperson I. Nanei Diocy, of the Alliance. “It provides the opportunity for employees to provide for their families far beyond their current circumstance and in a way that offers complete security for generations to come.
Fast food workers interested in learning more about the new Alliance programs and their offerings can visit the new Alliance website at organsforcash.org to learn more about these exciting new opportunities.
