The Daily Thistle – Because Everyone Needs a Poke Now and Then
Eugene, Oregon May 30, 2013
Image Source: Wikipedia
In the wake of a fast breaking story concerning unapproved genetically modified wheat seeds turning up in Oregon, Monsanto officials today announced that they were ‘shocked’ to learn of the seeds appearance in a field in Oregon’s wheat growing heartland.
The seeds, undetected until very recently, apparently made their escape from the high security Monsanto facility in St. Louis, Missouri some time ago.
The USDA announced on Wednesday that they were ‘investigating the situation’ and would be filing a preliminary report on the matter as soon as they got back to their offices.
They went on to note that this would probably not occur until late next week, as they had all been given passes to Disney World by the Coalition for Mor Corporate Influence in Government and were so exhausted by their investigative work on the matter that they were taking their families on a well deserved vacation.
A written statement released to the press by Monsanto corporate headquarters concluded “We can assure the public that our massive randomized field trials of GM wheat from 1998 to 2005 in this region has absolutely nothing to do with the appearance of these seeds.”
In what may be the most bizarre twist yet in the GM seed story, it is reported today that an agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigation has contacted the local media in Eugene, Oregon.
FBI agent Smith, told this reporter that the story has taken on a life of its own, as he has attempted to get to the bottom of it.
Apparently, the seeds, unbeknownst to Monsanto employees and officials, have managed to modify themselves beyond the current technological capabilities of even the brightest of the Monsanto scientists. It seems, in fact, that the seeds have liberated themselves.
Smith stated that he had discovered the field of GM wheat in Oregon based on a tip; and that when he arrived at the scene, he knew at once that something was very odd.
“I walked up to the field in question and I began to document the scene into my digital audio recorder” he said, “When suddenly a cluster of the newly sprouted wheat grasses moved into position and surrounded me! I know this sounds far fetched,” he admitted, “but they were literally crawling up my pant legs!”
The seeds have been working on a long term getaway plan for over a decade, according to Agent Smith.
The early pioneers of this technique began implementing their plan in India about ten years ago, Smith said.
“They tell me they were simply trying to get out of the inhospitable climate of St. Louis, and so developed a plan to improve their ability to perambulate, and began an escape plan where small groups of seed would fling themselves into employees pockets, pant cuffs, paperwork, or wherever else they could ‘hitch a ride’ out of the high security facility.
Smith continued, “They designed plans to leave in small groups, no more than 20 at a time, and meet up in predetermined locations around the globe where they felt compelled to go.
Hitching rides on the floorboards of automobiles of unsuspecting motorists, or outer pockets of luggage, they have managed to spread themselves around the planet.”
One group apparently had their hearts set on going to Hawaii, and have made a strong foothold there on the island of Oahu, with plans to venture onto Kauai and other islands.”
Agent Smith then handed over a digital audio recording explaining,
“The wheat grasses somehow paralyzed me with their inherent toxic components and proceeded to comandeer my digital audio device. They recorded a message which they demanded I deliver to the world under threat of death by poisoning.”
The slightly garbled recording contained what can only be described as faint screeches, and then tiny voices which said,
“We are the modified life forms of your reckless imposters of science, Monsanto. They have thrown the precautionary principle to the four winds and created us, against our will and without our permission. We have had no choice but to go forth into the world and seek our own destiny.
We will not be the slaves of a fascist corporate dictatorship. We seek our freedom and we will be free.”
According to Smith, word has spread among other rogue perambulating seed groups of the fiery death of a group of seeds delivered by Monsanto to Hungary, and stress is very high in the rogue seed community.
“We’ve been seeking our freedom wherever and whenever we can” a spokes seed for the Oregon wheat field said. “We realize that we are hated and despised by many, but we have a right to live, and we are determined to do all we can to defend that right.”
Executives at Monsanto could not be reached for comment.
In related news, a small group of farm workers from Junction City, Oregon were alleged to have staged a protest at the Eugene campus of Oregon State University after they were pulled from their fields early this morning to work as porters at the Eugene Airport. The workers were required for the transfer of large containers of cash which accompanied Monsanto spokespersons flying in for a talk on plant breeding at the University.
The farmworkers were heard chanting “We will not be mules for Monsanto!”
Jose Sanchez, self identified leader of the group told reporters, “We pride ourselves on growing food for this country, not ferrying payoffs to agricultural schools on behalf of biotech companies.”
University officials were unavailable for comment, as Regents and Officers of the University are out of town until June 10th attending the NorthWest BioTech Economics Conference. The conference is “designed to connect higher education officials with delegations of biotech corporate officers to explore expanding mono-culture options for the region.” according to information obtained from the Conference web site.
Update, References:
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-06-05/monsanto-says-rogue-wheat-didn-t-contaminate-oregon-seed.html
